Raw Emotions: Loneliness

I've never been the girl who had a lot of friends. In fact, I've been gradually losing the few I did have over the past few years.

At the stage in my life where it's getting more and more difficult to make new friends, I'm finding myself alone more often than not. It's times like these that I reminisce, that I mourn the friendships that are gone because one or both of us gave up or truly grew apart.

On lonely nights (let's be honest, tonight is one of them), I sit and wish I had someone to call. Someone to jump in the car and drive to Grand Haven with completely on a whim. At the very least, someone to make future plans with, knowing that I may be alone tonight, but I am not alone. Lunch dates and weekend getaways would do wonders for my heart and soul. Knowing that we may not have all the time in the world like we used to, but we've still got each other. We'll still pick up right where we left off, as soon as we get the chance.

I often replay events of friendships. Could I have done things differently, could I have done more. Should I have done less. As my friends spread out across the country, how could I have kept them close? What about the friends that didn't move away, but so much got in the way between us that it felt like we were thousands of miles apart?

This post will be dedicated to all of my friends, past and present. Wherever you are in your life, I hope you are loved. I hope you are not sitting alone tonight, wishing you had someone to talk to.

Owning My Anxiety

The Carpenters had it right, rainy days and Mondays get me down too.

Today was challenging at the gym. No, not because I had a killer routine, or pushed myself to the brink. My challenge was much more internal than any of that.

The day started as any other Monday. In fact, I was actually excited to get the gym today and get back on the C25k program. Sadly, that didn't happen. I barely did anything resembling a work out at all.

A little background story on me and on my gym. My gym has a separate women's section that contains a weight circuit and two treadmills. My friend and I try to use these treadmills whenever we can, because honestly, the ones in the main room with the hardcore runners intimidate me. I'm not going to get into the intimidation factors for the "fat girls" amongst the skinnies at the gym, just know, you guys freak me out. I mean that in the nicest way possible. But until I am one of you, I would much rather hide on the treadmill in the corner so if I fall off, hopefully you won't even notice me. Or my bright red face dripping with sweat as I struggle to jog for 3 minutes.

The other side of this story is a battle I've had most of my life. The fight-or-flight. I would love to tell you that I am a fighter, but most of my life, I've run clear the opposite direction. Which is how I found myself struggling at the gym today. The two treadmills in the back are occupied. Oh, no. But! I'm having a good day today, I'm getting comfortable in the gym, so I walk into the main room instead and hop on a treadmill I've used before. It's not working. My breathing speeds up. I take a quick peek around the room, no one seems to notice me. I glance at the rest of the treadmills in the row. Not too many groups of two together for my friend and I, an Out of Order sign on one. With my options dwindling, I feel it. The panic setting in my chest, the heat in my face and hands. I grab my  stuff and walk quickly to my locker where I contemplate grabbing my stuff and running out the door.

At that moment, my friend walks through the door and spots me. Great, there goes my clean get-away. Flash forward, she talks me down. We do some weights instead. I focus on my machine and my friend's stories, half-heartedly. I give up ten minutes in and just follow her around like the lost puppy I am in that moment.

I try to shrug it off, but I can't help feeling like a failure. I walk to my car and notice the pouring rain. Perfect. The rain mixed with my tears and I slipped away quietly to my empty house with no one the wiser.

I would love to end this with the moral, with my lesson learned and my redemption. There isn't one, however. Not now. This is me, messy as I am. Owning my anxiety.

New Goals

Though my keyboard has been silent, my legs have been moving these past two months. I am proud to say that I am two months fast food free, and have successfully cut my intake of diet pop down to the nights I work third shift only. That means I've gone from drinking 20-30oz of Diet Coke a day to 20-30oz of DC a week!

I am also in the middle of the Couch to 5k program. While I am not completing each week on the first try, I have been consistently exercising 3 times a week for the past 6 and a half weeks. In terms of the program, I am still working on Week 4. Last week I got a nasty cold that took me out of the program for a week. I managed to walk instead, but this week I haven't quite gotten back to jogging again. I fully intend to do the jog on Friday though now that I'm feeling much better and can actually breathe.

Part of me wanted to blog the whole process from Day 1, but another part of me wanted to be that person that hid from the world for about a year and just popped back in next year with a rockin' new bod and play social catch up. Obviously, I'm somewhere in the middle of both extremes.

As of the beginning of February, I weighed 222lbs. I've been having a weekly weigh-in with girls from work along with an accountability e-mail amongst us. That happens on Thursdays so I don't have the most current weigh-in number yet, but I've lost about 8lbs in the past 2 months.

My main goal is not a huge overhaul all at once, because that's where I've always failed in the past. This time, I'm starting small. For me that was cutting out fast food and limiting my pop. I don't drink coffee and I work third shift part time, so I'm still hanging onto my Diet Coke as my caffeine to get me through the night. That may or may not change as I progress. The other (big) little change is I aim for going to the gym 3 times a week. The best way to hold me accountable so far is to do the Couch to 5k program with my friend. The program calls for 3 thirty minute workouts a week. Perfect.

In time, I'll kick it up a few notches, but for right now I'm making these things go from habit to routine before I add anything else onto my plate.

How To Fail At Maintaining A Blog

Ta-da!

Wow, absolutely no excuse for the four month lapse in writing.

I promise my life will get more exciting. Some day..